Readers, it’s been fun and all… but, I think I’m out!
I think I might just have to move!
Cause where I’m living, simply doesn’t suit me anymore.
See, I’m well aware that when it comes to real estate, it’s all about where you are — “location, location, location”. Unfortunately, and to be frank (Hi, Frank!), I’m afraid my location just can’t serve me any longer. It simply won’t meet my needs! What with editing 1,000 words a day for my novel, writing a blog once a week to hone my skill, working a job throughout the week to pay rent, exercising for an hour a day to stay in shape, cooking all my meals to save money (and be healthy), getting my butt kicked twice a week with a special group of friends, and still finding some time to sleep, poop, and have a life — this location just can’t cut the mustard!
Now, all this might seem like a scheduling issue…
… but let me assure you, it isn’t! This is an issue of location, plain and simple. Where I am just doesn’t give me enough time. People say that you should invest in land, cause, “they ain’t making any more of the stuff” — BUT THEY ARE! I say, instead, invest in time, as that’s the one thing you truly can’t buy any more of. So I’ve been speaking to my broker about this very issue, and I think that we’ve come up with an amicable solution…
I’m moving to Venus!
That’s right, Venus — because all this complication, is the Earth’s fault.
Really, it’s quite obvious once you examine the facts.
See, this planet, one of many we could inhabit according to my broker, happens to take an unfortunately brief, 584088920.703 mi, trip around the sun — working out to be a 365 day trek around the star. Combine this with the disheartening fact, that if you were to measure the speed if it’s spin (@ the equator) you would find that it moves at a breakneck 1,038 miles per hour. Leaving us, after all the math, to a piddly Twenty-Four hour day…
I mean, come on!
24 hours ain’t barely enough time to get your swagger on. I can’t be alone here, can I?! I mean, and I know what you’re thinking, sure, there’s always Mars — but a Martian day ain’t much better, ya know? They only gain about an extra forty minutes to the cycle of each day. And, though tempting, I’m relatively sure that I’d eat those forty minutes up quicker than a puppy with a bowl of kibble.
Have you ever actually done the math?
We start with a 24 hour day.
24 hours, minus eight for sleep, becomes 16.
16 hours, minus an eight-hour work-day, becomes 8.
8 hours — minus 1 for travel, 1 for work out, 2 for cooking, 1.5 for the bathroom & showering — and we’re down to 2.5.
2.5 hours to live?
That’s just plain unacceptable.
Yep, time to move!
And Venus sounds like the perfect place.
Everything my broker’s been telling me about this place sounds like a buyers dream come true…
Firstly, it’s still in the neighborhood, as it’s only one planet closer to the Sun! So I can still do all the things I like and still see everyone I care about. Plus, the climate is VASTLY improved. Earth can’t even hold a candle to it! That’s because, on average, the Venusian climate is a balmy 86.4 degrees Fahrenheit (or, for my Euro pals, 46.2 Celsius) — a far cry from this enduringly hostile NYC winter.
(You know, it’s funny, when my broker had originally quoted me the average temperature there, she’d mistakenly said it was 864 degrees! Eight hundred and sixty-four!? Could you imagine? There would be no water! What would I drink? But, obviously, this was a typo. It’s amazing what one little decimal point can do…)
Secondly, and more important to my specific needs as her client, my broker tells me that as a Venusian I would have MORE HOURS in my day! How awesome is that!? It’s truly staggering how much more, as well. See, whereas the Earth rotates once every twenty-four hours, which, we’ve already established, simply isn’t enough time to get anything of substance accomplished, Venus rotates once every 243 Earth days!
That’s 5,832 hours a day!
So, if 8 sleeping hours is 1/3 of a day here on earth, (and I never feel rested as it is), that would make 1/3 of 5,832… 1944 hours of sleep on Venus! I’m sure to be refreshed after that! My circadian rhythm will catch up soon enough… Leaving me with, let’s see, 3,888 hours left in my waking day! Incredible! Also, since I’m the only one up there (at least till the damn vagabonds show up, looking to pinch a dime off me), I won’t have to work or earn money — which should free me up to take care of some things I’ve been meaning to do!
I would finally have enough time to finish editing my book!
I would have no trouble meeting my weekly, Friday deadline for the blog!
I would have a better, longer workout — as it’s only 90% Earth gravity up there!
I could design and cook the perfect meal, without concern for prep and execution time!
Who knows — I might even have enough time up there to cure cancer, as there’s plenty of it!
(Time, not Cancer. Try to keep up!)
I’m moving to Venus.
Anybody want an apartment in Queens? Pretty decent rent. Amenity’s abound. Only two blocks from the N train… Ooh, and speaking of which, I forgot to get the specifics from my broker about the public transportation over there. I seem to remember something about a 400-plus mile per hour jet-stream above the surface — sounds pretty nifty to me! Sure as hell beats whatever the MTA can offer. They can keep their 2.25…
I’ll just use it to buy a slice of pizza on Venus!
Personally, I think I’ll be far better off in a place where the years are shorter than the days. Plus a place that spins opposite from all the other planets in our solar system — that kind of insanity will suit me just fine. I never did like to conform. Also, if you would’ve lived to be 100 over here, you would have nearly exactly 150 days to live life as a Venusian. No more procrastinating. Only 150 suns up, and suns down, to accomplish what it is you want out of life. That really would put things into perspective, huh…
Sounds pretty great, doesn’t it?
You know what, on second thought, why not come with me?
I could talk to my broker!
It’ll be an adventure!
Yea — this is a great Idea!
YEP, I’M GOING TO VENUS!
NOW — WHO’S COMING WITH ME?!