Your Mom’s a liar!

Posted: January 25, 2011 in Uncategorized
Good creative people, look…

I’m sure your mothers are wonderful people who raised you to the best of their abilities. I’m sure that they were kind, forgiving, and loving to the nth degree. I have no doubt that they went to each and every one of your athletic events, and were undeniably the loudest ones in the crowd. For sure your mothers are great; there can be no two ways about it – but they’ve been lying to you for years.

Still, it’s not their fault. No, really. They did the best that they could with what they had to work with. The lessons that they’d taught to you had merely been passed on to them by their parents. And before you ask: NO, it’s not your grandmother’s fault either that you’ve been lied to… but she did contribute to the hereditary vitriol. Grandma was taught to raise children the same way that your mom was; through the generation before her. The same can be said for your great-grandmother, and your great-great-grandmother (who we all know was a drunk), and your great-great-great-grandmother, and so on… Surely you can see where I’m going with this – It’s a vicious cycle. What am I talking about, I hear you ask? Oh you’ll see…

Tell me, do any of these sound familiar?

“Don’t make that face or it’ll freeze in that position, “~ Mom

“Money does not grow on trees,”~ Mom

“What’s meant to be, is meant to be”~ Mom

“It doesn’t matter what you accomplish, I’ll always be proud of you”~ Mom

“If you fall out of that tree and break your leg, don’t come running to me”~ Mom

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth”~ Mom

“I swear, you’d lose your head if it wasn’t screwed on.”~ Also Mom

If you’re anything like me than you’ve heard these common idioms more times than you can count (even though you can only count to twenty, and that’s only when your hands are free and your socks are off…), but now that you’re an adult, or at least consider yourself one (I don’t judge), take a fresh look. Not all of these little pearls of wisdom turned out to be as accurate as ole’ Mommy dearest would have liked, did they?

Today I would like to say in response to Mom’s everywhere: “My face will NOT freeze in that position; money IS made from trees; what’s meant to be is NOT written in stone, it’s what I decide; it DOES matter what I accomplish, and it should matter to you too; how can I RUN to you if I just BROKE my leg; you most certainly SHOULD look a gift horse in the mouth, they’re might be a bunch of angry Greeks inside!!; and finally, first off: you shouldn’t swear, and second off: I will not lose my head (at least I don’t think so… )!

Oh the humanity! The deception! The depravity! When will it end?

Today good creative people; today. With your help, we can begin to combat mommy fibbing worldwide, and it all begins with a little honesty (and possibly a donation of $9.99… Where’s Sally Struthers? Get her in here).

Honesty is a scary thing

I get that, I really do. I even empathize with those among us that are smart enough to realize this, but nevertheless prefer ambivalence (and kudos to those of you who can keep that up; that’s a full-time job). Self reflection is painful, sometimes harsh, foundation shattering even, and it certainly has the potential to rock your world. However what I find to be even more frightful than living honestly, is the alternative: a generation of people living out of touch with reality. This brings me to my next “Mom-isim”, which is arguably the most dangerous of them all…


“If you don’t have anything nice to say, than don’t say anything at all!” ~ Mom


Let’s just be quiet for a moment and let that last one sink in…



If there’s nothing nice to say, then don’t say a thing… It’s simple, it seems full of good intent, and it’s easy to agree with.

Which is exactly why this idiom is the most dangerous of them all!

It’s like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, think about it: it certainly seems all sheepish and innocent at first, it fits in nicely with the rest of the herd (of other truth’s you have stored in your mind), and it behaves just fine… until one day – BAM! – the whole farm’s gone, and you’re left with nothing but a big steaming pile of bloody wool, *Ahem* Bull, and good look selling that bloody wool at the market.

As a creative person you must be in touch with reality to succeed. If you’re good, you’ll be marketable, and if you’re bad (regardless of how hard you work, how much you try, and how good your Mom claims that you are), you’re not. This is why honesty is paramount when it comes to creation: we need to know if we’re REALLY any good. Each one of us is far too close to the things which we create to see them through anything but rose-tinted lenses. We’re biased because we’ve worked so hard. This is why we so often seek outside help from others in our creative community. We need a dose of reality, a spattering of perspective, a dash of honesty, and “Nice” just can’t cut the cheese (seriously, who did that? That’s nasty!)

If we were to follow Mom’s insipid advice, and find only positive things to tell one another, no real work would ever get done… anywhere. Hitler would still be roaming free, the Berlin wall would have never fallen, the original Mona Lisa would still have a humongous honker, Michelangelo’s “David” sculpture’s wang would still be there (OK, bad example. Censorship=Bad), that Geico caveman show would still be on the air, Carlos Mencia would still think he’s funny, and Bush would have been elected for TWO terms (legitimately)…

Baby Dub'yah


Why am I writing all this?

Because today I had to suffer for their transgressions. Today, some mother, somewhere, who wasn’t honest with her kids, made me a victim to her lies. Today my taste-buds were the fallen soldiers in this war of attrition, which we fight each and every day against the dishonesty that runs rampant through our streets like a chupacabra on a goat farm when the sun’s gone down. Today I was a guest diner on a soon to be released episode of “24 Hour Restaurant battle.

Even though we weren’t told, I’m pretty sure that the theme was Deli Food, because that’s what each side of the studio had offered (for those of you who’ve never seen the show, they give two sets of entrepreneurs 24-hours to open a restaurant under a common theme, and they duke it out to see who has the best food. In the end the judges decide the victor, but they like to interview the guests anyway, and gauge our reactions on tape, to aid in the eventual dissemination of the show’s final message of who won to its viewers). I had two choices to pick from: one side had a do-it-yourself menu, which seemed to lack creativity, and the other had cute names to their food, well thought out combinations, and a whole lot of promise.

Mom, why did you lie?

It was awful! Someone should have told this person that they can’t cook a long time ago…  I had two appetizers; one was blander than a Crayola crayon smothered in Elmers glue, and the other; aside from being lackluster in its own rite, and something that my Mom (one of the good ones), makes phenomenally well, had a rather large EGGSHELL in it, which I swallowed part of, had to spit out the rest of, and which also garnered the attention of the production team – who proceeded to swarm me while I was still choking to interview me about the faux pas.

All in all I had a bad meal (I sent back both entrées for having the palatability of chewing gum more-so than pastrami/Corned beef), I was harangued through the duration of it, I nearly choked to death, and I left hungry… All because some Mom, somewhere, just had to lie to their kids…

However, despite it all, Mom does still have one good trick up her sleeve, and it’s another “Mom-isim”;

No not this one, this is another lie that the (wo)man will tell you!


“Honesty is the best policy”

Amen to that!


  1. Interesting point of view.
    My Mom used to tell me that tucking my long hair behind my ears would give me pointy ears. I thought that was silly, until one day I noticed that one of my ears did have a little bit of a point and I imagined her prediction was coming to pass! I thought I would look like Spock. But, no, I just have a strange bend in the cartilage of one ear.

  2. Oh, don’t be too hard on moms. They probably thought they were doing their kids a favor. Their lies are, I guess, a form of both discipline and protection.

    But yes, honesty IS the best policy. 🙂

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